This is Getting Ridiculous…

Boo hoo hoo!!! The bloke out of A Knight’s Tale is dead!!! Let’s all burst into tears!

The saga continues and no celebrity story is complete without Lindsay Lohan sticking her oar in. How did she take the news? By sobbing her head off. It transpires that Heath stuck his willy in her in New York during Thanksgiving. Apparently he’s also been at it with Kate Hudson, Heather Graham and Helena Christensen – so his funeral will keep women’s magazine style pages packed until Easter.

Now, I’m no monster. Is shouting “Heath’s dead! Heaths’ dead!” anyway to break the news to an impressionable young pill popping piss head? No. It’s very rude! What appals me is that this story is going to drag on for months. Meanwhile anyone with a keyboard is tapping on about how ‘sad’ it all is. Accidents happen! Stay away from the pills and don’t kill yourself!

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Fucking hell!! Heath Ledger is dead!!!

It can only be hours until a heart broken Cleo Rocos pays tribute to Heath - esteemed thesp of Brokeback Mountain, A Knight's Tale, the new Batman film and...er, other things no one remembers.

Crikey. It's like Anna Nicole Smith. We all know where we were when she died I'm sure. Heath Ledger though. Tsk. Hollywood isn't for everyone. And he seemed like such a nice young man until he lost his hair and dumped his wife and baby.

That's Batman fucked then.

It's probably a drugs over dose.

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UPDATE: Actually what the fuck am I on about? "Seemed like a nice boy"? How the fuck am I to know?! I've been hoodwinked by all this celebrity shite! Take a look around the celebrity blogs, they're full of it! "He was only 28", "it's a tragedy" yak yak yak. The only reason this is news is because he pretended to shag Donnie Darko up his arse in a tent. Big deal! That shit happens for real every day! So blah blah.

It’s War!!

Haha! Look at that! Suzanne Shaw sliced in the head by an ice skate and crying like a baby. Maybe there is some justice in the world after all. Still, she wasn’t sufficiently injured enough to prevent her competing in Dancing On Ice, ITV’s chav take on Strictly Come Dancing, so her desperate bid for reality TV stardom continues (again).

The Daily Mail claimed today that Suzanne, Linda Lusardi and Aggy from How Clean Is Your House are locked in a deadly feud! In a hugely unbelievable and typically Mail-ish tale of women not getting along it’s claimed Suzanne’s accused Linda of only being on the show to provide ‘eye candy’ while Aggy’s telling Suzanne not to take the show too seriously as her comeback dreams are doomed. Hmm. Linda’s a bit on the old side for ‘eye candy’ isn’t she? We’d like to believe Aggy’s been slagging Suzanne though. She needs to give it up and get back to Kwik Save till or whatever she was doing before Popstars. Getting knocked up by Darren Day is one thing, Dancing on Ice is quite another…

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The Glamorous Face of WD-40!

Poor old Anna Ryder Richardson – the days of her turning respectable suburban bedrooms into tarts boudoirs are long since behind her. Oh yes, she claws her way onto I’m A Celebrity, eats a few bugs, puts herself through some unremarkable humiliations and this – this! – is all she gets out of it? WD bloody 40?!

Reader it’s true. Anna is no Linda Barker with her DFS ads and various bits of rubbish. Oh no, Anna has to make do with promoting WD-40’s Magic Pen “an amazing non-aerosol applicator of the WD-40 elixir”. They’re thrilled. Read on;

“Much like WD-40 Anna is an ultimate problem solver – she brings with her the experience to deal with the extraordinary, coupled with the know how of dealing with those day-to-day problems that we all encounter in the home.”

Anna is even available for interview to chat about this miracle product. Anna, was it worth it?

Phwoar!

Loaded magazine have included Kate McCann in their round-up of sexy birds 2007. Well done to editor Martin Daubney (best known for turning up on every TV ‘list’ show going) who has at least reminded the world that the lad’s mag is still lurching on undeterred by abysmal sales.

Martin said: 'She is included because it is just something that blokes have been talking about in pubs since the whole thing kicked off. Kate is a really attractive woman.'

The McCann’s PR is already falling over himself to tell everyone how appalled they are that Martin and chums have been chatting about Kate’s boobs instead of scouring Portugal for her dead daughter. What with the Loadedification of Kate, the chat of the McCann’s ‘Hollywood film’ and their exclusive deal with Vanity Fair this saga’s getting out of hand. We’re just one step away from Kate ‘Dancing on Ice’ to raise awareness of Missing Maddie. Come on Portuguese police! Pull your fingers out!

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Mr Uppity

Right. So I was trying to do this blog without yakking on about me, me, me. Well, that didn’t last too long because I saw this interview with American Idol winner from yesteryear Clay Aiken. Now, I interview these desperate x-listers for a living and I was happy and relieved to see they don’t reserve their uppity shit for me (who works at one of Britain’s least reputable publications). Oh no! They dish it out to Newsweek too.

Christ, they make me puke! They sing a couple of songs and think someone actually gives a shit! This puts me in mind of my last tete-a-tete with Lee Ryan. What a farce that was! It ground to halt on the “upbeat chit chat” front then crashed on the rocks of ruin when Ryan would only tell me about using “real life homeless people” in his last video. Yes! That celluloid classic! Remember it? Not likely unless you’ve got a periscope direct from your living room into the “dumper TV network”.

Anyway. Look what this intrepid hack had to put up with:

How did you get into a fight with that lady on a plane?
I'm not going to talk about it.

I was just curious because you've never talked about it.
I did talk about it.

What about the Kelly Ripa thing?
I'm not going to discuss it.

Did you think it was homophobic?
I'm not going to discuss it.

What do you want to talk about?
I think we're done.

Can we talk about something fun?
No, we're done. I thought NEWSWEEK would be more reputable. I'm surprised.

But I think people are curious about it.
It was a year ago. This is NEWSWEEK. It's not the National Enquirer. I'd hate to have a job where I had to be rude to people.

We're just having a conversation.
Change the subject! I'd never take a job where I had to do something that I didn't want to do.

What about all those Ford commercials on "American Idol"?
That wasn't a job.

It was part of your job.
It wasn't a Ford commercial. It was a music video. It was a completely different thing.

I'll change the subject. What do you do for fun?
I watch the news. I read news magazines, but I'm reconsidering that now.

Are you going to watch "Idol"?
I haven't watched since season four. I compare it to high-school football--if it weren't for high school, we wouldn't be successful, but I don't need to keep going to the football games.

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Desperation on Ice

Dancing on Ice is back and it’s just what we don’t need – another opportunity for desperate x-lsiters to eke out their 10 seconds of ‘fame.’ It’s the crappest of the lot – you get paid more for eating bugs in the jungle while learning the foxtrot isn’t as humiliating as falling flat on your arse with only Holly Willoughby to turn to for comfort.

This year’s lot don’t warrant listing but you can be sure they’ll all be bleating in interviews that they didn’t do it for the cash or in attempts to revive their flat-lined careers. No, they’ll all claim to be doing it to ‘learn a new skill.’ Pull the other one Linda Lusardi! We weren’t born yesterday!

Mark our words. No good will come of it. It’s only week one and Samantha Mumba and Suzanne Shaw already have the glinty mad look of a Terminator in their eye. Their mission, to get their faces in crap gossip mags every week until Christmas, must be fulfilled! Oh well, at least Suzanne won’t have to keep getting knocked up by Darren Day for a living. Shame it’s the general public that have to pay the price. Why can’t they just get proper jobs? You don’t see Danny out of Hear’Say putting himself through it do you? No. Take heed Shaw!

They'll Miss Her Like A Hole In The Head

Another day, another brush with the law for troubled Sugababe Amelle Berrabah. Check this out.She’s been arrested on suspicion of vandalising cars as part of a neighbourhood feud!

This isn’t going to help her keep her day job. There were rumours she was about to get sacked last year after she was involved in night club punch-ups and her traveller boyfriend, Freddie Fuller, was investigated for allegedly raping her sister. He’s just recently almost had his arm chopped off in a mysterious machete attack and she’s back brawling in the streets.

She just can’t help herself! Just because they made a doll of your Amelle it doesn’t mean they’ll keep you in the band. Look what happened to Paul out of S Club 7!. Oh yes, we remember. One false move and you’re on the pop scrap heap. They’ll just get Mutya back, she’s a washed up failure. She’ll love it!

Don’t Do It Reg!

This is a sad tale that melted even our cold hearts. Reg Hollis from The Bill, actor Jeff Stewart, slashed his wrists in his dressing room when he was sacked from his £150,000 a year role on the police soap. He’d been playing the part since 1984. That’s institutionalisation for you!

We’ve all been there Reg. Stuck in a job that does nothing for you. Watching months become years as you think of the money and wave goodbye to your dreams and self respect with each passing day. Sniff.

The ever-chirpy Daily Mail gives Jeff’s tale a thorough raking over and says it’s all down to debts he owes on Internet gambling sites.

Buck up! There’s always panto! And you’ll be a shoo-in for next year’s Celebrity Big Brother. What a consolation.

Pack up your crayons and piss off

It could happen to anyone. One minute you’re doing stencils for the kiddies on the telly, the next you’re pulling your girlfriend’s corpse out of the bath. That’s showbiz!

Poor old Mark Speight (pictured, crowned). Arrested on suspicion of killing his fiancée, it was today confirmed he is no longer a suspect for her murder, although he’s on bail for supplying class A drugs. The shocking aspect of this story as far as we’re concerned was that he had a lady friend at all! Kids presenter? Bleach blond? Gym goer? A homo surely? But no! Turns out he was just your common or garden upper middle class, coke snorting TV wannabe. Who could forget his attempt to crawl out of the CBeebies wasteland with a stint on Celebrity Wrestling? Er, everyone actually because he broke his thumb a week before the show went on air and was replaced by the black showjumper bloke.

So he didn’t give his bird (pictured, jester hatted) a fatal coke overdose or drown her in a crayola-induced frenzy of violence. Does that matter? Apparently not for the Beeb. His shows have been pulled and he’s not longer welcome chez TV Centre. The deal is off! There’s not more SMart for you Mark, let alone the prospect of just one week on Strictly Come Dancing.

It’s a modern day tragedy readers. Although the picture is a reminder to everyone to make sure you keep a nice up-to-date colour head shot with your next of kin just in case of an unexpected demise.

Carry On Cleo

Three cheers for hearse-chaser extraordinaire Cleo Rocos! After repeatedly dazzling the nation a-weeping-and-a-wailin’ with tales of her dead pal Kenny Everett the fickle finger of fate has flung a new dead mate in Cleo’s path. Yes! Benazir Bhutto! (Obviously). This is what she wrote for a Sunday tabloid on the occasion of Bhutto’s tragic assassination. We can only hope Bhutto’s happy in the after life making her Baked Alaska…

"We must have looked an odd couple. Me with my flash of red hair and designer clothes, her swathed in headscarf and dark sunglasses. But we had been close friends for seven years, since we were introduced by a mutual friend at a party.

Benazir was very different from her political image. She was full of fun and mischief. One night, after we'd had dinner, she asked me if I'd like to go shopping. "Get in my car, I'll drive," she said. I stepped in only to discover she couldn't drive at all well. "I only drive about twice a year," she said. She mounted the kerb and we made off.

After a swift swerve into another kerb, we screeched to a stop. "We're here", she said and started to get out-heading straight into CostCutters! She made straight for the tinned tomatoes. "A girl can never have too many tinned tomatoes," she said.

I once asked her if she had been to the Ivy restaurant. She hadn't, so I booked a table. She absolutely loved it.

She was a self confessed yo-yo dieter. She loved her Cadbury's Fruit and Nut chocolate and cooking her Baked Alaska using meringues, fruit and piles of ice cream. I've got her special recipe.

She was loyal and clearly in love with her husband. She refused to leave him to benefit her political career, just as she refused to listen to allegations of his infidelity.

I consider myself very lucky to have had some wonderful and very personal times with this brave and magnificent woman. Her death is nothing short of a catastrophe. "

CLEO, 45, found fame in the Kenny Everett Video Show and also appeared in this year's Celebrity Big Brother.