Another Televisual Masterpiece

Just what we don’t need – a Calum Best reality show. Hooray!

It’s the latest in the long line of MTV “Totally” shows. The first ruined Lisa Scott Lee’s career, the second made a laughing stock out of Danny from New Kids on the Block (not a difficult task we know) and the last one took Jodie Marsh from “d-list” to “completely unemployable.” Unlike that lot though – yes, even Jodie Marsh – we guess Calum Best (pictured in a threesome with Lindsay Lohan and her sinister mother) hasn’t got anything to lose. All he’s done is shag, booze, do bits of weak modelling work and do stints on reality TV. So more of the same then.

The premise of this is “can Calum avoid shagging a slapper for 50 days.” Of course he can’t. Suspense over. Oh! And because he’s supposed to be celibate for two months the show is tagged “Totally Calum Best: The Best Is Yet To Come.” Effing hell. They’re comedy geniuses at MTV “innit”.

The Glamorous Face of Mouth Wash!

Poor old Liz McClarnon. She was the nicest one in Atomic Kitten but that didn’t persuade anyone buy her solo records. In a bid to revive her career she’s booked herself onto Celebrity Masterchef and is the new face of Listerine. Oh dear…

This poignant bid for attention came with a promotional Q&A style interview, just in case any publication in Britain had taken leave of their senses and fancied running some desperately shite advertorial. Here’s an excerpt!

Q:What beauty essentials do you always have in your bathroom cabinet? A: There are a couple of products that I’d be lost without; a really good skin cream, as I have very sensitive skin so want to protect it, also I always keep a bottle of Listerine Stay White mouthwash handy to keep my smile bright.

What are the odds of that?!?! She’s promoting Listerine and – by amazing coincidence – was asked what was in her bathroom cabinet and, by Jiminy, it’s a bottle of Listerine!! Amazing!!!

Effing hell. Really.

Still, things are at least looking up for perky Liz – she’s got the Atomic Kitten gig at the Kings Lynn Festival on July 12^th to look forward to. Hahaha.

Bring Out Your Dead

What are you up to right now? We very much doubt you’re watching Lisa Scott Lee presenting Skinny Celebrity Mums on Living TV. But it's happening even as we speak!!

To celebrate perky washed-up popstrel Lisa Scott Lee made herself available for interviews. The press release invites us to ask her anything! “How she lost her baby weight, the pressures involved with losing baby weight, how she juggles her baby” – now you’re talking! – “[paragraph break] Jaden with her career”. Boo! Hold on! “Career?!?!” What “career” would this be? The one she nailed into its coffin four years ago on Totally Scott Lee?!

Three cheers for Living TV though. What would these washed up has-beens do without it? Living is responsible for keeping a roof over brother Andy Scott-Lee’s head thanks to his boring (now defunct) marriage to his washed-up popstar wife Michelle Liberty-X and their Newlyweds show. Hold on! That was ITV2!

God bless you Lisa, baby weight’s the least of your troubles. Let’s hope you haven’t spent all your Steps cash on lip gloss and hair extensions.

i-D Hearts Mariah

OK, We’re just jealous because we don’t get flown around the world to write fawning celebrity profile pieces but surely i-D’s interview with Mariah Carey was a little bit on the sucky-up side by anyone’s measure?

It’s easy done. We’ve met Mariah. The boobs! The charisma! But surely a magazine like i-D should know better than to go and apologise on Mariah’s behalf for her diva strops? As we all know she recently hung up on dimwit Radio 1 presenter Reggie Yates for getting her album sales figures wrong. Anyone else would have just corrected him. Here’s i-D’s take:

“The fact of the matter remains that the interviewer had been wrongly briefed, to the tune of 80 million sales. Mariah is the singer and mostly the author of 160 million records the world over, making her the most successful female artist of al time. She is allowed and should be encouraged to be proud of that fact and not to accidentally have it halved for public consumption.”

Looks like a free “splash of champagne” goes a long way!

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But Is It Art?

Ever fancied watching a gay porn start look moody while he watches Jerry Springer? Now’s your chance!

We’ve been following www.erikrhodes.blogspot.com ever since it was first featured on Gawker. Erik Rhodes had been having it away with designer Marc Jacobs and his boyfriend – together! – y’see. Yowzers! It’s all probably viral marketing for his upcoming magnum opus Basic Plumbing IV but it’s surprisingly readable. All ground is covered! The etiquette of how much to charge a man for pooping in his mouth, making small talk with Victoria Beckham and rap reviews! Really, there’s something for everyone.

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I Don't Need To See That!

Have a biscuit if you recognise that Valerie Cherish quote. Anyway. Cast your eyes leftwards. That is what “celebrity” has come to in the 21^st Century. Yes! A balding gay Welshman (Aled Jones - yes really!), whose career is being Chris Moyles’s stooge, coyly concealing his wares from Cosmopolitan readers. Quite right too! If I was a Cosmopolitan subscriber I’d be asking for compensation. They’re sophisticated ladies! They want Clive Owen hiding it with a cactus! Not some bald gay halfwit with Radio 1 microphone!

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How Rude!

Full marks to writer-cum-Catherine-Tate-sidekick Derren Litten! He’s not one to take any shite off some uppity viewer writing into complain about his ITV chav comedy drama Benidorm.

Sue Fisher wrote to complain about the foul language and teenage pregnancy and this is the response she got!

"Good point well made. Let's dub all the remaining episodes with "flippin' 'ecks" and "blimeys". Alternatively we could go back to Benidorm and re-shoot the whole series. Failing this I would recommend Mrs Fisher go f*** herself with the fat end of a pineapple."

Alas funnyman Derren didn’t email this back to Sue, he sent it around to his ITV colleagues instead. One of whom sent it onto the Sunday Mirror! We agree this is comedy gold should be shared with all rounders but we doubt that was the loose-fingered emailer’s intention. TV’s even worse than journalism for bitchy competitiveness!

I love letters of complaint though. I love rude replies even more! Top work Dez!

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