How Rude!

Full marks to writer-cum-Catherine-Tate-sidekick Derren Litten! He’s not one to take any shite off some uppity viewer writing into complain about his ITV chav comedy drama Benidorm.

Sue Fisher wrote to complain about the foul language and teenage pregnancy and this is the response she got!

"Good point well made. Let's dub all the remaining episodes with "flippin' 'ecks" and "blimeys". Alternatively we could go back to Benidorm and re-shoot the whole series. Failing this I would recommend Mrs Fisher go f*** herself with the fat end of a pineapple."

Alas funnyman Derren didn’t email this back to Sue, he sent it around to his ITV colleagues instead. One of whom sent it onto the Sunday Mirror! We agree this is comedy gold should be shared with all rounders but we doubt that was the loose-fingered emailer’s intention. TV’s even worse than journalism for bitchy competitiveness!

I love letters of complaint though. I love rude replies even more! Top work Dez!

Source

Bitter?

Winning Rear of the Year 2007 hasn’t soothed the savage beast inside Sian Lloyd! She’s still seething about being chucked by Lembit Opik for a Cheeky Girl. She’s even written a book all about it. It masquerades as being an autobiography but it’s really 200 pages about what a rotter that Lembit is. Just as well! It’d be one of the worst autobiographies ever printed otherwise! Before Lembit starts playing up the only “interesting” thing Sian ever experienced was buying some snazzy tights at Chelsea Girl.

Highlights include:

Sian moaning about driving drunken Lembit all across the British Isles to go to Liberal Democrat meetings.

Sian being philosophical when she gets booted off I’m A Celeb after 15 seconds.

Sian cataloguing each and every time Lembit gets pissed. “I must have been mad to stay with him” she muses. Her relentless criticism of his fashion sense and her none-stop weather forecasting would be enough to drive anyone to drink!

Whingeing when she’s chucked for a Cheeky Girl. Although she makes out they’d split up before.

Roll over Samuel Pepys! We’ve got a master memoirist in our midst! Effin hell, it must be a piece of piss to get a book deal these days. On a more interesting note the ghost writer has taken his / her eye off the ball. At one point she reminisces that “Cat Deeley was nice in the jungle”. Huh? Her I’m A Celeb co-star was Catalina! Tut.

More Gay News...

TV has-been Derren Brown is gay!! It said so in The Sun today! Again, I’m only posting this story for personal reasons. That reason is I knew a woman who was obsessed with Brown. She had all the DVDs, went to all the live shows. She loved him! Turns out she was barking up the wrong tree!! Hoho! She’s always been unlucky in love but lusting after a sinister, ginger gay TV magic-man takes things to a tragic new level! Shame!

It emerges this isn’t even a news story at all. Not because Brown’s TV career is about as active as Wincey Willis’s but because he told the Independent on Sunday back in September that he was living with a fella. Obviously no one on Earth reads the IOS. Or gives a swinging pocket watch about Derren Brown.

"You have to be open and up front – or you end up turning it into a dark secret in your mind" says Derren, sensibly. That's probably a trick. You'll forget your tube stop tomorrow morning and rob a bank instead...

Source

Up The Bum - No Harm Done?

This snappy phrase regarding the benefits of buggery versus vaginal penetration vis-à-vis unwanted pregnancies is a time-worn classic – but it doesn’t apply to all occasions as toothy CNN news reader Richard Quest is finding out. The pursuit of anal intercourse in Central Park in the middle of the night is in fact a risky business – especially when you’re busted by the cops!

Poor chinny Richard. He was apprehended with some pals with a rope tied round his willy and neck, a dildo hidden in his boot and a pocket full of crystal meth. Whoops! You wouldn’t catch Moira Stewart up to those tricks!

He’ll be let off the charges of ‘loitering and possession of a controlled substance’ if he completes a six month drug rehab programme.

I’m only sharing this morsel with y’all because it confirms a story I heard about him from an acquaintance. Apparently he’d met Richard Quest on a gay website. When they met up for a shag Questy asked this bloke to puke on him halfway through!! Unbelievable!!!!

Source

The Glamorous Face of Kitchens

Poor old Kim Wilde. Having success so young has meant she’s spent most of her adult life as a washed-up has-been. She’s had stints in the West End and then as a ‘celebrity’ gardener. Now she’s flogging Magnet’s kitchens to keep the wolf from the door.

The PR agency employed to assist Kim in this task have even helpfully suggested some lines of enquiry, should we wish to chat to Kim about her life, loves and wipe-clean surfaces. They’re wily professionals at no mistake! Check out some of these gems:ghghgg

"What are Kim's tips for a greener kitchen? What happenes in Kim's kitchen - who does the cooking? What music does Kim like to cook to? What are Kim's favourite recipes?"

Reader, it's time to compromise my anonymity! I'm a journalist and I'm subjected to pish like this every day of the week. Would Clark Kent or Lois Lane put themselves through this bullshit? They would not! How have I become a cog in a kitchen-selling machine?! What went wrong?!

Let's enjoy Kim in happier times:

Spam of the Day

Hooray! I get sent a right load of old cobblers to me all through the day. Oh yes! Some right old crap. I have randomly selected this picture of rapper Nelly pouting and mincing like a right Jessie to share with you. Apparently I was sent this to celebrate the exciting arrival of his duet with muppet-faced crystal-meth-guzzling pant-pisser Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas. Where is she then?! Jeeezus! What an elementary mistake!

Haha. That picture is a hoot. You don’t see a facial expression like that every day.

The Worst Celebrity Profile Piece Ever?

I know there are plenty of cringe-inducing celebrity profile pieces pumped out by a panoply of organs each and every day but this Vanity Fair interview with Madonna is going to take some beating.

All the pitfalls are there; it’s hugely pretentious and far too personal. The reader neither knows nor cares who hack Rich Cohen is but it’s all about him. Poor old Madge’s quotes are virtually relegated to bullet points at the back. If that weren’t bad enough check out this purple prose:

“Like Pocahontas, who marvelled at the brick buildings and endless streets and was shown off and feted, but still lonely, because the Empire has everything but what is most important – a kind of purity or righteous connection to the land…In other words, Madonna brings this boy [David the Malawian] into her house and gives him everything, but gets something in return: a living totem of life as it was lived before machines.”

How. Wrong.

It doesn’t stop there. I’m sure we all want to know who Rich went out with at school!

“When I was in High School I dated so many girls because they looked like Madonna that I had the feeling I had slipped off my chains and made my way out of Plato’s cave and was seeing the real thing at last.”

Yes, Vanity Fair is a bit high falutin’ but is there any rational explanation for that bunch of arse?!

The Upside of Alcoholism

I know you are positively afroth with anticipation over the nuptials of Coleen McCloughlin and Wayne Rooney. You’re not alone! So are desperate soft drinks company Shloer. As desperate as it is to cash-in on a bunch of chavs necking 40 pints and pounding each other to poop at a wedding Shloer have seen their chance and are snatching it with both hands. Read on in astonishment!

Shloer – THE Sparkling Juice Drink appreciates Coleen’s dilemma and has sent the nations favourite WAG a whole range of Shloer flavours, including alcohol free Shloer Bucks Fizz, so her guests can enjoy something sophisticated and sparkly, without embarrassing the bride on her big day.

Shloer Bucks Fizz comes in a sophisticated champagne style bottle with a popping cork so Coleen’s never know the difference!

Good grief. I love the “THE”. Shloer has seriously mis-judged Coleen’s guests if they think they’re not going to notice they’re not totally legless by the time the happy couple walk down the aisle.

Meanwhile check out that picture. Coleen’s pretty much the antithesis of everything posh bird Audrey represented. It looks like she’s sticking her head through one of those cut-outs at the seaside. What’s wrong with keeping out of the media and spending Wayne’s money? Give it a go Col, you might like it. We will!

More Middle Class Bullshit

What would I do without G2 to bring me some fresh source of irritation every morning? Probably not spend a few minutes seething with annoyance, that’s what. There’s not a celeb in sight today though, unusually. Oh no, it’s the Guardian’s very own “star” writer Zoe Williams quacking on (again) about babies. She’s a childcare expert since baby Thurston (for eff’s sake) escaped from her organs apparently.

The hook is that some US firms allow employees to take their babies to work, cutting down on child care “issues”. So what does Zoe do? She tests it out by taking her baby to work and regales us with the “hilarity” that ensues through the course of the day! Hoho!

Jeezus! What is the point? The Mirror did a similar story a couple of days ago. However, they used a working class hairdresser as their case study. Meanwhile Zoe reflects that it’s difficult to go to a meeting full of 27 newspaper execs with a crying baby. Who’d have thought it?!

Well done G2! Another real-world expose of no use to anyone except middle class women who’ve left their kids at home with a Polish nanny (cost: £25 per month) – there’s no need to feel guilty now!

It’s the newspaper equivalent of those terrible BBC3 Dawn Porter shows, where the plummy pouter pretends to be a lesbian / stripper / alcoholic for an hour. Gah!!

Put yourself through it here

Live In London? Bolt Your Doors!

It’s Day of the Living Dead this Sunday as Z-listers galore jog around town waving the Olympic Torch. This is an amazingly desperate and pointless exercise even by the usual standards of woeful publicity stunts. Who better exemplifies the Olympic ideals than Denise Van Outen?! Not only that but they’ve roped in a disabled comedian (that girl with cerebral palsy off Grange Hill – remember her?) to “run” some of it. Fair play to the Sugababes though, they’re holding the torch on the top deck of a bus (HUH?!). Really this is a motley crew indeed. Who the hell (except us) remembers Eurovision winner Kenny Logan? And isn’t he Irish anyway?! If you see any of this lot coming towards you on Sunday run in the opposite direction. Unbelievable…

Named and shamed: Steve Redgrave, Konnie Huq, Tim Henman, Sugababes, (on a bus) Denise Van Outen, Sir Trevor Macdonald, Denise Lewis, Kevin Pietersen, Vanessa Mae, Kenny Logan, Francesca Martinez, Tessa Sanderson, Duncan Goodhew, Ellen MacArthur, Theo Walcott, Dame Kelly Holmes

Got A Job? This Is What You Missed!

Three cheers for the ITV press office. Just because you may have to spend your lives at a 10 till 6 it doesn’t mean you have to mess out on the pressing issues of the day! For example, Jordan’s tits! I’m sure we can all agree this is an unbeatable use of This Morning's viewing hours. I feel no further comment is necessary as Phil and Fern have done such a top job...

Fem: “Let’s talk about your bosoms. When did you go and have them done?”

Katie: “December. I had my Teeth, nose and boobs done. Call me mad but yeah.”

Fem: “So they were 32 FF and now they’re 32D?”

Katie: “Do you know, this is the thing, I mean you would know, in different shops they’re different sizes. So I don’t really know what my size is but they are smaller.”

Fern: “Are you happy with them?”

Katie: “No I’m going back in June. They look alright in clothes and everything but I’ve had 2 doctors look at them, when I lie down they’re not quite right.

Phillip: “In what way?”

Katie: “I don’t think he’s sewn them enough here” (indicates to the side of her boobs). They sort of go under my armpits a little bit.”

Fern: “For a lot of us that’s just reality.”

Phillip: “Welcome to the real world”

Katie: “But he hasn’t filled the space properly. When you go and pay all of that money and you go to what you think is the best doctor, you expect a good job.”

Fern: “I remember you were talking about doing it a couple of years ago, probably before Junior was born actually. And then Junior came along and you couldn’t have it done. You were concerned about the anchor scars.”

Katie: “Oh I’ve got that.”

Fern: ”You’ve got it now?

Katie: “It’s so visible (sic) you can’t even see it. It’s so good. Cos I was a bit like, ‘I’m a bit young to have a scar that goes, there down and under but it’s really, really good.”

Fern: “So the scarring round the nipple because they have to replace the nipple. And there’s still sensation there?”

Katie: “Yeah, more then what they were before believe it or not. Which is really strange.”

Phillip: “And what does Pete think of them?”

Katie: “Well he doesn’t really get a chance to go near them cos I’m still a bit sore. Cos it’s quite a major op. It’s different to just having implants.”