Another Televisual Masterpiece

Just what we don’t need – a Calum Best reality show. Hooray!

It’s the latest in the long line of MTV “Totally” shows. The first ruined Lisa Scott Lee’s career, the second made a laughing stock out of Danny from New Kids on the Block (not a difficult task we know) and the last one took Jodie Marsh from “d-list” to “completely unemployable.” Unlike that lot though – yes, even Jodie Marsh – we guess Calum Best (pictured in a threesome with Lindsay Lohan and her sinister mother) hasn’t got anything to lose. All he’s done is shag, booze, do bits of weak modelling work and do stints on reality TV. So more of the same then.

The premise of this is “can Calum avoid shagging a slapper for 50 days.” Of course he can’t. Suspense over. Oh! And because he’s supposed to be celibate for two months the show is tagged “Totally Calum Best: The Best Is Yet To Come.” Effing hell. They’re comedy geniuses at MTV “innit”.

The Glamorous Face of Mouth Wash!

Poor old Liz McClarnon. She was the nicest one in Atomic Kitten but that didn’t persuade anyone buy her solo records. In a bid to revive her career she’s booked herself onto Celebrity Masterchef and is the new face of Listerine. Oh dear…

This poignant bid for attention came with a promotional Q&A style interview, just in case any publication in Britain had taken leave of their senses and fancied running some desperately shite advertorial. Here’s an excerpt!

Q:What beauty essentials do you always have in your bathroom cabinet? A: There are a couple of products that I’d be lost without; a really good skin cream, as I have very sensitive skin so want to protect it, also I always keep a bottle of Listerine Stay White mouthwash handy to keep my smile bright.

What are the odds of that?!?! She’s promoting Listerine and – by amazing coincidence – was asked what was in her bathroom cabinet and, by Jiminy, it’s a bottle of Listerine!! Amazing!!!

Effing hell. Really.

Still, things are at least looking up for perky Liz – she’s got the Atomic Kitten gig at the Kings Lynn Festival on July 12^th to look forward to. Hahaha.

Bring Out Your Dead

What are you up to right now? We very much doubt you’re watching Lisa Scott Lee presenting Skinny Celebrity Mums on Living TV. But it's happening even as we speak!!

To celebrate perky washed-up popstrel Lisa Scott Lee made herself available for interviews. The press release invites us to ask her anything! “How she lost her baby weight, the pressures involved with losing baby weight, how she juggles her baby” – now you’re talking! – “[paragraph break] Jaden with her career”. Boo! Hold on! “Career?!?!” What “career” would this be? The one she nailed into its coffin four years ago on Totally Scott Lee?!

Three cheers for Living TV though. What would these washed up has-beens do without it? Living is responsible for keeping a roof over brother Andy Scott-Lee’s head thanks to his boring (now defunct) marriage to his washed-up popstar wife Michelle Liberty-X and their Newlyweds show. Hold on! That was ITV2!

God bless you Lisa, baby weight’s the least of your troubles. Let’s hope you haven’t spent all your Steps cash on lip gloss and hair extensions.

i-D Hearts Mariah

OK, We’re just jealous because we don’t get flown around the world to write fawning celebrity profile pieces but surely i-D’s interview with Mariah Carey was a little bit on the sucky-up side by anyone’s measure?

It’s easy done. We’ve met Mariah. The boobs! The charisma! But surely a magazine like i-D should know better than to go and apologise on Mariah’s behalf for her diva strops? As we all know she recently hung up on dimwit Radio 1 presenter Reggie Yates for getting her album sales figures wrong. Anyone else would have just corrected him. Here’s i-D’s take:

“The fact of the matter remains that the interviewer had been wrongly briefed, to the tune of 80 million sales. Mariah is the singer and mostly the author of 160 million records the world over, making her the most successful female artist of al time. She is allowed and should be encouraged to be proud of that fact and not to accidentally have it halved for public consumption.”

Looks like a free “splash of champagne” goes a long way!

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But Is It Art?

Ever fancied watching a gay porn start look moody while he watches Jerry Springer? Now’s your chance!

We’ve been following www.erikrhodes.blogspot.com ever since it was first featured on Gawker. Erik Rhodes had been having it away with designer Marc Jacobs and his boyfriend – together! – y’see. Yowzers! It’s all probably viral marketing for his upcoming magnum opus Basic Plumbing IV but it’s surprisingly readable. All ground is covered! The etiquette of how much to charge a man for pooping in his mouth, making small talk with Victoria Beckham and rap reviews! Really, there’s something for everyone.

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I Don't Need To See That!

Have a biscuit if you recognise that Valerie Cherish quote. Anyway. Cast your eyes leftwards. That is what “celebrity” has come to in the 21^st Century. Yes! A balding gay Welshman (Aled Jones - yes really!), whose career is being Chris Moyles’s stooge, coyly concealing his wares from Cosmopolitan readers. Quite right too! If I was a Cosmopolitan subscriber I’d be asking for compensation. They’re sophisticated ladies! They want Clive Owen hiding it with a cactus! Not some bald gay halfwit with Radio 1 microphone!

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How Rude!

Full marks to writer-cum-Catherine-Tate-sidekick Derren Litten! He’s not one to take any shite off some uppity viewer writing into complain about his ITV chav comedy drama Benidorm.

Sue Fisher wrote to complain about the foul language and teenage pregnancy and this is the response she got!

"Good point well made. Let's dub all the remaining episodes with "flippin' 'ecks" and "blimeys". Alternatively we could go back to Benidorm and re-shoot the whole series. Failing this I would recommend Mrs Fisher go f*** herself with the fat end of a pineapple."

Alas funnyman Derren didn’t email this back to Sue, he sent it around to his ITV colleagues instead. One of whom sent it onto the Sunday Mirror! We agree this is comedy gold should be shared with all rounders but we doubt that was the loose-fingered emailer’s intention. TV’s even worse than journalism for bitchy competitiveness!

I love letters of complaint though. I love rude replies even more! Top work Dez!

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Bitter?

Winning Rear of the Year 2007 hasn’t soothed the savage beast inside Sian Lloyd! She’s still seething about being chucked by Lembit Opik for a Cheeky Girl. She’s even written a book all about it. It masquerades as being an autobiography but it’s really 200 pages about what a rotter that Lembit is. Just as well! It’d be one of the worst autobiographies ever printed otherwise! Before Lembit starts playing up the only “interesting” thing Sian ever experienced was buying some snazzy tights at Chelsea Girl.

Highlights include:

Sian moaning about driving drunken Lembit all across the British Isles to go to Liberal Democrat meetings.

Sian being philosophical when she gets booted off I’m A Celeb after 15 seconds.

Sian cataloguing each and every time Lembit gets pissed. “I must have been mad to stay with him” she muses. Her relentless criticism of his fashion sense and her none-stop weather forecasting would be enough to drive anyone to drink!

Whingeing when she’s chucked for a Cheeky Girl. Although she makes out they’d split up before.

Roll over Samuel Pepys! We’ve got a master memoirist in our midst! Effin hell, it must be a piece of piss to get a book deal these days. On a more interesting note the ghost writer has taken his / her eye off the ball. At one point she reminisces that “Cat Deeley was nice in the jungle”. Huh? Her I’m A Celeb co-star was Catalina! Tut.

More Gay News...

TV has-been Derren Brown is gay!! It said so in The Sun today! Again, I’m only posting this story for personal reasons. That reason is I knew a woman who was obsessed with Brown. She had all the DVDs, went to all the live shows. She loved him! Turns out she was barking up the wrong tree!! Hoho! She’s always been unlucky in love but lusting after a sinister, ginger gay TV magic-man takes things to a tragic new level! Shame!

It emerges this isn’t even a news story at all. Not because Brown’s TV career is about as active as Wincey Willis’s but because he told the Independent on Sunday back in September that he was living with a fella. Obviously no one on Earth reads the IOS. Or gives a swinging pocket watch about Derren Brown.

"You have to be open and up front – or you end up turning it into a dark secret in your mind" says Derren, sensibly. That's probably a trick. You'll forget your tube stop tomorrow morning and rob a bank instead...

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Up The Bum - No Harm Done?

This snappy phrase regarding the benefits of buggery versus vaginal penetration vis-à-vis unwanted pregnancies is a time-worn classic – but it doesn’t apply to all occasions as toothy CNN news reader Richard Quest is finding out. The pursuit of anal intercourse in Central Park in the middle of the night is in fact a risky business – especially when you’re busted by the cops!

Poor chinny Richard. He was apprehended with some pals with a rope tied round his willy and neck, a dildo hidden in his boot and a pocket full of crystal meth. Whoops! You wouldn’t catch Moira Stewart up to those tricks!

He’ll be let off the charges of ‘loitering and possession of a controlled substance’ if he completes a six month drug rehab programme.

I’m only sharing this morsel with y’all because it confirms a story I heard about him from an acquaintance. Apparently he’d met Richard Quest on a gay website. When they met up for a shag Questy asked this bloke to puke on him halfway through!! Unbelievable!!!!

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The Glamorous Face of Kitchens

Poor old Kim Wilde. Having success so young has meant she’s spent most of her adult life as a washed-up has-been. She’s had stints in the West End and then as a ‘celebrity’ gardener. Now she’s flogging Magnet’s kitchens to keep the wolf from the door.

The PR agency employed to assist Kim in this task have even helpfully suggested some lines of enquiry, should we wish to chat to Kim about her life, loves and wipe-clean surfaces. They’re wily professionals at no mistake! Check out some of these gems:ghghgg

"What are Kim's tips for a greener kitchen? What happenes in Kim's kitchen - who does the cooking? What music does Kim like to cook to? What are Kim's favourite recipes?"

Reader, it's time to compromise my anonymity! I'm a journalist and I'm subjected to pish like this every day of the week. Would Clark Kent or Lois Lane put themselves through this bullshit? They would not! How have I become a cog in a kitchen-selling machine?! What went wrong?!

Let's enjoy Kim in happier times:

Spam of the Day

Hooray! I get sent a right load of old cobblers to me all through the day. Oh yes! Some right old crap. I have randomly selected this picture of rapper Nelly pouting and mincing like a right Jessie to share with you. Apparently I was sent this to celebrate the exciting arrival of his duet with muppet-faced crystal-meth-guzzling pant-pisser Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas. Where is she then?! Jeeezus! What an elementary mistake!

Haha. That picture is a hoot. You don’t see a facial expression like that every day.

The Worst Celebrity Profile Piece Ever?

I know there are plenty of cringe-inducing celebrity profile pieces pumped out by a panoply of organs each and every day but this Vanity Fair interview with Madonna is going to take some beating.

All the pitfalls are there; it’s hugely pretentious and far too personal. The reader neither knows nor cares who hack Rich Cohen is but it’s all about him. Poor old Madge’s quotes are virtually relegated to bullet points at the back. If that weren’t bad enough check out this purple prose:

“Like Pocahontas, who marvelled at the brick buildings and endless streets and was shown off and feted, but still lonely, because the Empire has everything but what is most important – a kind of purity or righteous connection to the land…In other words, Madonna brings this boy [David the Malawian] into her house and gives him everything, but gets something in return: a living totem of life as it was lived before machines.”

How. Wrong.

It doesn’t stop there. I’m sure we all want to know who Rich went out with at school!

“When I was in High School I dated so many girls because they looked like Madonna that I had the feeling I had slipped off my chains and made my way out of Plato’s cave and was seeing the real thing at last.”

Yes, Vanity Fair is a bit high falutin’ but is there any rational explanation for that bunch of arse?!

The Upside of Alcoholism

I know you are positively afroth with anticipation over the nuptials of Coleen McCloughlin and Wayne Rooney. You’re not alone! So are desperate soft drinks company Shloer. As desperate as it is to cash-in on a bunch of chavs necking 40 pints and pounding each other to poop at a wedding Shloer have seen their chance and are snatching it with both hands. Read on in astonishment!

Shloer – THE Sparkling Juice Drink appreciates Coleen’s dilemma and has sent the nations favourite WAG a whole range of Shloer flavours, including alcohol free Shloer Bucks Fizz, so her guests can enjoy something sophisticated and sparkly, without embarrassing the bride on her big day.

Shloer Bucks Fizz comes in a sophisticated champagne style bottle with a popping cork so Coleen’s never know the difference!

Good grief. I love the “THE”. Shloer has seriously mis-judged Coleen’s guests if they think they’re not going to notice they’re not totally legless by the time the happy couple walk down the aisle.

Meanwhile check out that picture. Coleen’s pretty much the antithesis of everything posh bird Audrey represented. It looks like she’s sticking her head through one of those cut-outs at the seaside. What’s wrong with keeping out of the media and spending Wayne’s money? Give it a go Col, you might like it. We will!

More Middle Class Bullshit

What would I do without G2 to bring me some fresh source of irritation every morning? Probably not spend a few minutes seething with annoyance, that’s what. There’s not a celeb in sight today though, unusually. Oh no, it’s the Guardian’s very own “star” writer Zoe Williams quacking on (again) about babies. She’s a childcare expert since baby Thurston (for eff’s sake) escaped from her organs apparently.

The hook is that some US firms allow employees to take their babies to work, cutting down on child care “issues”. So what does Zoe do? She tests it out by taking her baby to work and regales us with the “hilarity” that ensues through the course of the day! Hoho!

Jeezus! What is the point? The Mirror did a similar story a couple of days ago. However, they used a working class hairdresser as their case study. Meanwhile Zoe reflects that it’s difficult to go to a meeting full of 27 newspaper execs with a crying baby. Who’d have thought it?!

Well done G2! Another real-world expose of no use to anyone except middle class women who’ve left their kids at home with a Polish nanny (cost: £25 per month) – there’s no need to feel guilty now!

It’s the newspaper equivalent of those terrible BBC3 Dawn Porter shows, where the plummy pouter pretends to be a lesbian / stripper / alcoholic for an hour. Gah!!

Put yourself through it here

Live In London? Bolt Your Doors!

It’s Day of the Living Dead this Sunday as Z-listers galore jog around town waving the Olympic Torch. This is an amazingly desperate and pointless exercise even by the usual standards of woeful publicity stunts. Who better exemplifies the Olympic ideals than Denise Van Outen?! Not only that but they’ve roped in a disabled comedian (that girl with cerebral palsy off Grange Hill – remember her?) to “run” some of it. Fair play to the Sugababes though, they’re holding the torch on the top deck of a bus (HUH?!). Really this is a motley crew indeed. Who the hell (except us) remembers Eurovision winner Kenny Logan? And isn’t he Irish anyway?! If you see any of this lot coming towards you on Sunday run in the opposite direction. Unbelievable…

Named and shamed: Steve Redgrave, Konnie Huq, Tim Henman, Sugababes, (on a bus) Denise Van Outen, Sir Trevor Macdonald, Denise Lewis, Kevin Pietersen, Vanessa Mae, Kenny Logan, Francesca Martinez, Tessa Sanderson, Duncan Goodhew, Ellen MacArthur, Theo Walcott, Dame Kelly Holmes

Got A Job? This Is What You Missed!

Three cheers for the ITV press office. Just because you may have to spend your lives at a 10 till 6 it doesn’t mean you have to mess out on the pressing issues of the day! For example, Jordan’s tits! I’m sure we can all agree this is an unbeatable use of This Morning's viewing hours. I feel no further comment is necessary as Phil and Fern have done such a top job...

Fem: “Let’s talk about your bosoms. When did you go and have them done?”

Katie: “December. I had my Teeth, nose and boobs done. Call me mad but yeah.”

Fem: “So they were 32 FF and now they’re 32D?”

Katie: “Do you know, this is the thing, I mean you would know, in different shops they’re different sizes. So I don’t really know what my size is but they are smaller.”

Fern: “Are you happy with them?”

Katie: “No I’m going back in June. They look alright in clothes and everything but I’ve had 2 doctors look at them, when I lie down they’re not quite right.

Phillip: “In what way?”

Katie: “I don’t think he’s sewn them enough here” (indicates to the side of her boobs). They sort of go under my armpits a little bit.”

Fern: “For a lot of us that’s just reality.”

Phillip: “Welcome to the real world”

Katie: “But he hasn’t filled the space properly. When you go and pay all of that money and you go to what you think is the best doctor, you expect a good job.”

Fern: “I remember you were talking about doing it a couple of years ago, probably before Junior was born actually. And then Junior came along and you couldn’t have it done. You were concerned about the anchor scars.”

Katie: “Oh I’ve got that.”

Fern: ”You’ve got it now?

Katie: “It’s so visible (sic) you can’t even see it. It’s so good. Cos I was a bit like, ‘I’m a bit young to have a scar that goes, there down and under but it’s really, really good.”

Fern: “So the scarring round the nipple because they have to replace the nipple. And there’s still sensation there?”

Katie: “Yeah, more then what they were before believe it or not. Which is really strange.”

Phillip: “And what does Pete think of them?”

Katie: “Well he doesn’t really get a chance to go near them cos I’m still a bit sore. Cos it’s quite a major op. It’s different to just having implants.”

I Like Ponies And Dwesses!

G2’s transformation into the Daily Heat has reached it’s apotheosis with four pages dedicated to lukewarm talent-vortex Alexa Chung. After that unbelievably dire show with Ben Elton we’re amazed she’s still getting work but G2 dutifully tell us all about her “plethora of television shows” (er, she’s only presenting one at the moment as far as we can see) “rock star boyfriend and jewellery collection (ethical, and skeleton themed.)”

It’s the definition of a puff piece. What do we learn about the enigmatic and fascinating phenomenon that is the Chung? It’s shocking stuff:

• She likes dresses. Particularly those by Charles Anastase
• She had a pony called Pippi.
• She hangs around with Kelly Osbourne and some tart called Valentine Fillol-Cordier. They call themselves Team Evil. “You have to be obsessed with Nabokov to be in Team Evil” titters lady of letters Alexa.
• Jeeezus.

Well done Guardian! Keep this coming! It’s what broadsheets should be all about! Effin hell.

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She's Not Dead!

Pre-historic chart “topper” Lynsey De Paul still roams the Earth! Well done for her. She was a washed-up throw-back before Channel 4 launched so she’s done well to secure a spot on desperate ‘celebrity’ show – Celebrity Come Dine With Me!!

Last time Ulrika Jonsson moaned about being wheat intolerant while producers made up the numbers by counting journo David Quantick as a ‘celeb’. This time they haven’t bothered with the full five contestants – they’ve only got four and chopped the last 20 minutes off the show. Haha!

So who is joining geriatric mole-face Lyns? The illustrious line up is Harvey (rapping love rat) Tamara Beckwith and Jonathan Ansell (one of G4 who isn’t obese, apparently). No Suzanne Shaw?! Surely some mistake!!

The only interesting story we’ve ever heard about Lynsey De Paul is that when Sharon Osbourne was her manager she hated her so much she pissed in Lynsey’s suitcase. What a woman.

Oooh Get Him!

With that pout and hair cut we were sure Ian from the new series of the Apprentice was a big gay stripper. But no! The Sundays have had a good ferret around in the contestants personal lives and have concluded that the ginger lady is married to a bigamist and Ian is a love rat!

Oh yes! He was cheating on his wife when she was pregnant, texting his fancy woman while missis Kirsty was snoozin’ beside him then slung his hook and doesn’t pay the mortgage anymore. The cad.

We’re no Trishas but a quick glance at this picture suggests Kirsty was a bit of a demanding madam on a collision-course with disaster right from the word go. Behold! She made Ian wear a kilt to his wedding – because she was born in Scotland! Huh?! And they blew £18,000 on a wedding at Brocket Hall when they were mere tiddlers! He’s only 26 now for Pete’s sake! That’s modern matrimony in crisis for you.

What else is going to come out? Probably not much. Still, it’s fun to laugh at the assorted 15 toss pots on the show and the wrong person is always guaranteed to win. Hooray!

PS Look away now Apprentice fans!! It turns out Ian is currently working part time as a football commentator on Three Counties Radio whatever the eff that is. Looks like he didn't get the deal he wanted! Arf!

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Toxic! (Broadsheet Hypocrisy!)

When exactly did the Guardian turn into Now magazine? It’s G2 section has been showbiz crazy for ages but devoting a front page to Britney – hooked on nothing as she hasn’t done much for a fortnight – and then 'treating' us to this tedious 6 page article (seemingly adapted from a Women's Studies dissertation) takes the biscuit.

As it’s the Guardian we get all the usual guff that Britney is being unfairly ridiculed because she’s a – yawn – woman and – zzzzz – a mother. We also get various inaccuracies, picked up from lazy cuttings trawls or wiki research, that make this an irritating read for anyone who’s actually followed Britney’s shenanigans over the years (for professional reasons!). It’s just a way of legitimising people who think they’re above wallowing in showbiz gossip to do just that.

Not only that but it’s absurdly pretentious:

"Her hair now queenly dark, her belly perfectly rounded and airbrushed free of veins and stretchmarks, she is the very apogee of poised, yet still emphatically sexy, motherhood. Her face doll-like, she lies bared against what looks like a soft, furry-white, nursery blanket in the pose of a soft-porn, but pregnant, Venus."

I shudder to think how much the hack in question got for churning out that load of old bollocks…

The Glamorous Face of Nursery Rhymes!

With mere days to go until the Dancing on Ice final there’s no holding Suzanne Shaw back. She’s not just the face of mince (see below) she’s also signed up to promote a convoluted nursery rhyme popularity poll! And guess what? Apparently Suze is Celebrity Mum of the Year too! How did that pass us by? She was stupid enough to get knocked up by Darren Day so we feel that should exclude her from being eligible from any awards ever, bar awards for rank idiocy. Still…

Can you puzzle out what this PR is was trying to tell us?

"For every vote for a favourite childhood rhyme logged on www.rhymestars.co.uk, I CAN will receive £1 from Openreach, BT’s local network business. By nominating their favourite nursery rhyme, members of the public will unlock a £50,000 target donation to the charity by Openreach…”

You flaming what? Is this a over-complicated game show or are BT actually giving this charity some money or aren’t they? “Unlock?” Huh?

Poor Suzanne. We're sure even she doesn't know what she's got herself into. A pattern is emerging!

The Glamorous Face of Mince…

Well done to Suzanne Shaw - she’s got the taste of d-list celebritydom back on her lips thanks to Dancing On Ice and she’s hungry for deals!

But what sort? Chanel? Marc Jacobs? New Look? No, how about the British Mince Council! Yes, Suzanne has just signed up to be the face of Quality Standard Beef Mince. It doesn’t stop there, she’s landed a ‘coveted’ job presenting a call-in bingo show on some obscure cable channel with Joe Pasquale.

Whoo hoo Suzanne! Those two fractured ankles really paid off.

Now, when it comes to employment prospects I’m not one to judge but who the flip – if anyone – is “looking after” Suzanne? Mince?! Even Anna Ryder Richardson got WD40!

Don’t Cha Wanna Ride (On My Flake)

Poor Joss Stone. Things were going so well until her last album flopped and she decided to talk in a rubbish American accent at last years Brits. Where is she now? Fiddling with her Flake, that’s where.

It’s not as desperate as it may seem though, it’s actually the height of excitement as this press release attests:

“Soul singer Joss Stone’s interpretation of the famous jingle has been eagerly anticipated and tomorrow night the advert will finally be released on ITV1 during the premiere of 'Rock Rivals', following much speculation about how Joss will eat her Flake.”

I’m sure we’re all giddy with delight already. Who amongst us can wait until the Rock Rivals ad break?

Joss has a reputation for shagging songwriters to secure the blandest and most boring of their generic r’n’b musical emissions. So we’re guessing she’ll consume the Flake tomorrow by ramming it up her fanny and yodelling “tastes like chocolate never tasted before.”

Nul points here we come! (Again)

They’re all at it! Pete Brame, Andy Abrahams - every washed-up reality show finalist is making a come back. Well done for them but boo-hoo-hoo for the rest of us.

Really. Andy Abrahams? What were the “great” British public thinking when they voted for him to “do it” for the UK at Eurovision? Presumably polling was so low the hitherto neglected “bin man” demographic swung it for Andy. His ex-colleagues didn’t let him down!

It’s going to make for a boring old Eurovision. There needs to be an element of campery (Scooch) or potential disaster (Javine’s nipple popping out in front of an audience of billions) to make it any fun. Hopefully those wacky foreigners will live up to the standards set by mad tranny Verka Seduchka last year. Apparently Ireland have already selected a chicken puppet to represent them.

Remember him?

It’s Pete Brame! Of Fame Academy “fame”. Go on, cast your mind back. He was last seen falling down drunk outside a pub with Fearne Cotton four years ago…

Well he’s back! Oh yes. Pete will be performing at some of Britain’s premiere music venues to promote his new single The Alcoholic’s Love Song. Destinations include The Bedford pub in Balham and South End’s legendary Lambs Bar. Pete has this to say about himself:

“Pete Brame is an ever-evolving songwriter. He likes long walks, mixing Smirnoff Ices with lager, blowing dandelion heads off, kicking leaves, buying scratch cards and winning, holding hands and singing, but not at the same time.”

What a hoot! We’re guessing Pete isn’t an alcoholic himself. If so he shouldn’t be drinking lager and Smirnoff, he should be seeking professional help. We’re not going to slag him off though. He’s suffered enough and well done to him – he hasn’t given up on his dreams!

On the other hand though there’s something about this that sums up the ultimate futility of human endeavour…

Don't Come Back!

Haha! Oh dear. The Guardian’s travel editor has sent his widdle boy Max (how these names date! Every meeja boy-child caesareaned-out in the last five years is called Jasper innit?) on a trip round India, at the Guardians expense. All Max needs to do is blog about it every day. What could go wrong? Erm, how about the fact he’s totally pissed all their readers off before he’s even got on the plane? Max’s middle class witterings and – more importantly – hundreds of comments about what a twat he is in the link below.

I knew a girl who went to India on one of these middle class idiot jollies. She came back complaining about the poverty and how adults made their kids beg at train stations! What was she expecting? An intensive yoga session? Twonks!

It’s nothing new though readers. There are loads of Maxes in the “industry”. Ever wondered how Polly Hudson has got a columnist job and a £90k a year salary for her weekly inane crap-fest at the Mirror? Her dad’s mates with the editor innit?

Effing hell. It’s not like this in retail…

Link to Max's odyssey

Another Waste of Everyones Time

Move over Oscar night, we’ve just been to the party of the year! Of course we haven’t at all. It was the usual dismal free lager ,wine and mini burgers affair. This time it was all in aid of keeping Mr T off Income Support. He’s been signed up to promote Snickers. We’re guessing he’s got more competitive rates than Hulk Hogan or The Rock – not having troubled our TV screens since 1988.

They didn’t even bother to fly him over. Instead they made him do a stupid rap about Snickers via a satellite link from LA. Then some PR flunkies – described to him as ‘the British public’ – asked him some stupid questions. After T reminded us George Peppard died in 1994 some dizzy bint asked “when is there going to be an A-Team reunion?”

The “brains” behind this operation didn’t stop at getting Mr T’s face on the Snickers wrappers though, oh no, they’ve set up a Facebook page where “lads” can post pictures when they “catch a mate eye-deep in a copy of Grazia.” Coz young people like Facebook don’t they? Maybe if Snickers is on Facebook they’ll like Snickers too? Genius!

Fucking hell. Bleed them dry Mr T!

KATE HUMBLE – Confidence Trickster!

Imagine my surprise when I got this anonymous tip-off about the social life of permy-headed badger-botherer Kate Humble. Some PR loon thought spamming me a load of nonsense about an F-lister’s boozing habits might qualify for our “spotted” section. Guess what? There is no “spotted” section at my place of employment! Yes this is the cold, calculated and murky world I work in readers. Alas! This publicity hungry genius reckoned without the obvious facts that no one gives a flying toss about Kate Humble let alone “draught wine”. Poor old Kate, does she know the deceit that’s perpetrated in her name? The full horror lies below…

"Hi there

I wanted to let you know I saw Kate Humble at Browns Bar & Brasserie in Covent Garden enjoying a glass of draught Sauvignon Blanc, commenting how she cannot belive draught wine tastes that good!
Thought it might be of interest..."

This is Getting Ridiculous…

Boo hoo hoo!!! The bloke out of A Knight’s Tale is dead!!! Let’s all burst into tears!

The saga continues and no celebrity story is complete without Lindsay Lohan sticking her oar in. How did she take the news? By sobbing her head off. It transpires that Heath stuck his willy in her in New York during Thanksgiving. Apparently he’s also been at it with Kate Hudson, Heather Graham and Helena Christensen – so his funeral will keep women’s magazine style pages packed until Easter.

Now, I’m no monster. Is shouting “Heath’s dead! Heaths’ dead!” anyway to break the news to an impressionable young pill popping piss head? No. It’s very rude! What appals me is that this story is going to drag on for months. Meanwhile anyone with a keyboard is tapping on about how ‘sad’ it all is. Accidents happen! Stay away from the pills and don’t kill yourself!

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Fucking hell!! Heath Ledger is dead!!!

It can only be hours until a heart broken Cleo Rocos pays tribute to Heath - esteemed thesp of Brokeback Mountain, A Knight's Tale, the new Batman film and...er, other things no one remembers.

Crikey. It's like Anna Nicole Smith. We all know where we were when she died I'm sure. Heath Ledger though. Tsk. Hollywood isn't for everyone. And he seemed like such a nice young man until he lost his hair and dumped his wife and baby.

That's Batman fucked then.

It's probably a drugs over dose.

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UPDATE: Actually what the fuck am I on about? "Seemed like a nice boy"? How the fuck am I to know?! I've been hoodwinked by all this celebrity shite! Take a look around the celebrity blogs, they're full of it! "He was only 28", "it's a tragedy" yak yak yak. The only reason this is news is because he pretended to shag Donnie Darko up his arse in a tent. Big deal! That shit happens for real every day! So blah blah.

It’s War!!

Haha! Look at that! Suzanne Shaw sliced in the head by an ice skate and crying like a baby. Maybe there is some justice in the world after all. Still, she wasn’t sufficiently injured enough to prevent her competing in Dancing On Ice, ITV’s chav take on Strictly Come Dancing, so her desperate bid for reality TV stardom continues (again).

The Daily Mail claimed today that Suzanne, Linda Lusardi and Aggy from How Clean Is Your House are locked in a deadly feud! In a hugely unbelievable and typically Mail-ish tale of women not getting along it’s claimed Suzanne’s accused Linda of only being on the show to provide ‘eye candy’ while Aggy’s telling Suzanne not to take the show too seriously as her comeback dreams are doomed. Hmm. Linda’s a bit on the old side for ‘eye candy’ isn’t she? We’d like to believe Aggy’s been slagging Suzanne though. She needs to give it up and get back to Kwik Save till or whatever she was doing before Popstars. Getting knocked up by Darren Day is one thing, Dancing on Ice is quite another…

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The Glamorous Face of WD-40!

Poor old Anna Ryder Richardson – the days of her turning respectable suburban bedrooms into tarts boudoirs are long since behind her. Oh yes, she claws her way onto I’m A Celebrity, eats a few bugs, puts herself through some unremarkable humiliations and this – this! – is all she gets out of it? WD bloody 40?!

Reader it’s true. Anna is no Linda Barker with her DFS ads and various bits of rubbish. Oh no, Anna has to make do with promoting WD-40’s Magic Pen “an amazing non-aerosol applicator of the WD-40 elixir”. They’re thrilled. Read on;

“Much like WD-40 Anna is an ultimate problem solver – she brings with her the experience to deal with the extraordinary, coupled with the know how of dealing with those day-to-day problems that we all encounter in the home.”

Anna is even available for interview to chat about this miracle product. Anna, was it worth it?

Phwoar!

Loaded magazine have included Kate McCann in their round-up of sexy birds 2007. Well done to editor Martin Daubney (best known for turning up on every TV ‘list’ show going) who has at least reminded the world that the lad’s mag is still lurching on undeterred by abysmal sales.

Martin said: 'She is included because it is just something that blokes have been talking about in pubs since the whole thing kicked off. Kate is a really attractive woman.'

The McCann’s PR is already falling over himself to tell everyone how appalled they are that Martin and chums have been chatting about Kate’s boobs instead of scouring Portugal for her dead daughter. What with the Loadedification of Kate, the chat of the McCann’s ‘Hollywood film’ and their exclusive deal with Vanity Fair this saga’s getting out of hand. We’re just one step away from Kate ‘Dancing on Ice’ to raise awareness of Missing Maddie. Come on Portuguese police! Pull your fingers out!

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Mr Uppity

Right. So I was trying to do this blog without yakking on about me, me, me. Well, that didn’t last too long because I saw this interview with American Idol winner from yesteryear Clay Aiken. Now, I interview these desperate x-listers for a living and I was happy and relieved to see they don’t reserve their uppity shit for me (who works at one of Britain’s least reputable publications). Oh no! They dish it out to Newsweek too.

Christ, they make me puke! They sing a couple of songs and think someone actually gives a shit! This puts me in mind of my last tete-a-tete with Lee Ryan. What a farce that was! It ground to halt on the “upbeat chit chat” front then crashed on the rocks of ruin when Ryan would only tell me about using “real life homeless people” in his last video. Yes! That celluloid classic! Remember it? Not likely unless you’ve got a periscope direct from your living room into the “dumper TV network”.

Anyway. Look what this intrepid hack had to put up with:

How did you get into a fight with that lady on a plane?
I'm not going to talk about it.

I was just curious because you've never talked about it.
I did talk about it.

What about the Kelly Ripa thing?
I'm not going to discuss it.

Did you think it was homophobic?
I'm not going to discuss it.

What do you want to talk about?
I think we're done.

Can we talk about something fun?
No, we're done. I thought NEWSWEEK would be more reputable. I'm surprised.

But I think people are curious about it.
It was a year ago. This is NEWSWEEK. It's not the National Enquirer. I'd hate to have a job where I had to be rude to people.

We're just having a conversation.
Change the subject! I'd never take a job where I had to do something that I didn't want to do.

What about all those Ford commercials on "American Idol"?
That wasn't a job.

It was part of your job.
It wasn't a Ford commercial. It was a music video. It was a completely different thing.

I'll change the subject. What do you do for fun?
I watch the news. I read news magazines, but I'm reconsidering that now.

Are you going to watch "Idol"?
I haven't watched since season four. I compare it to high-school football--if it weren't for high school, we wouldn't be successful, but I don't need to keep going to the football games.

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Desperation on Ice

Dancing on Ice is back and it’s just what we don’t need – another opportunity for desperate x-lsiters to eke out their 10 seconds of ‘fame.’ It’s the crappest of the lot – you get paid more for eating bugs in the jungle while learning the foxtrot isn’t as humiliating as falling flat on your arse with only Holly Willoughby to turn to for comfort.

This year’s lot don’t warrant listing but you can be sure they’ll all be bleating in interviews that they didn’t do it for the cash or in attempts to revive their flat-lined careers. No, they’ll all claim to be doing it to ‘learn a new skill.’ Pull the other one Linda Lusardi! We weren’t born yesterday!

Mark our words. No good will come of it. It’s only week one and Samantha Mumba and Suzanne Shaw already have the glinty mad look of a Terminator in their eye. Their mission, to get their faces in crap gossip mags every week until Christmas, must be fulfilled! Oh well, at least Suzanne won’t have to keep getting knocked up by Darren Day for a living. Shame it’s the general public that have to pay the price. Why can’t they just get proper jobs? You don’t see Danny out of Hear’Say putting himself through it do you? No. Take heed Shaw!

They'll Miss Her Like A Hole In The Head

Another day, another brush with the law for troubled Sugababe Amelle Berrabah. Check this out.She’s been arrested on suspicion of vandalising cars as part of a neighbourhood feud!

This isn’t going to help her keep her day job. There were rumours she was about to get sacked last year after she was involved in night club punch-ups and her traveller boyfriend, Freddie Fuller, was investigated for allegedly raping her sister. He’s just recently almost had his arm chopped off in a mysterious machete attack and she’s back brawling in the streets.

She just can’t help herself! Just because they made a doll of your Amelle it doesn’t mean they’ll keep you in the band. Look what happened to Paul out of S Club 7!. Oh yes, we remember. One false move and you’re on the pop scrap heap. They’ll just get Mutya back, she’s a washed up failure. She’ll love it!

Don’t Do It Reg!

This is a sad tale that melted even our cold hearts. Reg Hollis from The Bill, actor Jeff Stewart, slashed his wrists in his dressing room when he was sacked from his £150,000 a year role on the police soap. He’d been playing the part since 1984. That’s institutionalisation for you!

We’ve all been there Reg. Stuck in a job that does nothing for you. Watching months become years as you think of the money and wave goodbye to your dreams and self respect with each passing day. Sniff.

The ever-chirpy Daily Mail gives Jeff’s tale a thorough raking over and says it’s all down to debts he owes on Internet gambling sites.

Buck up! There’s always panto! And you’ll be a shoo-in for next year’s Celebrity Big Brother. What a consolation.

Pack up your crayons and piss off

It could happen to anyone. One minute you’re doing stencils for the kiddies on the telly, the next you’re pulling your girlfriend’s corpse out of the bath. That’s showbiz!

Poor old Mark Speight (pictured, crowned). Arrested on suspicion of killing his fiancée, it was today confirmed he is no longer a suspect for her murder, although he’s on bail for supplying class A drugs. The shocking aspect of this story as far as we’re concerned was that he had a lady friend at all! Kids presenter? Bleach blond? Gym goer? A homo surely? But no! Turns out he was just your common or garden upper middle class, coke snorting TV wannabe. Who could forget his attempt to crawl out of the CBeebies wasteland with a stint on Celebrity Wrestling? Er, everyone actually because he broke his thumb a week before the show went on air and was replaced by the black showjumper bloke.

So he didn’t give his bird (pictured, jester hatted) a fatal coke overdose or drown her in a crayola-induced frenzy of violence. Does that matter? Apparently not for the Beeb. His shows have been pulled and he’s not longer welcome chez TV Centre. The deal is off! There’s not more SMart for you Mark, let alone the prospect of just one week on Strictly Come Dancing.

It’s a modern day tragedy readers. Although the picture is a reminder to everyone to make sure you keep a nice up-to-date colour head shot with your next of kin just in case of an unexpected demise.

Carry On Cleo

Three cheers for hearse-chaser extraordinaire Cleo Rocos! After repeatedly dazzling the nation a-weeping-and-a-wailin’ with tales of her dead pal Kenny Everett the fickle finger of fate has flung a new dead mate in Cleo’s path. Yes! Benazir Bhutto! (Obviously). This is what she wrote for a Sunday tabloid on the occasion of Bhutto’s tragic assassination. We can only hope Bhutto’s happy in the after life making her Baked Alaska…

"We must have looked an odd couple. Me with my flash of red hair and designer clothes, her swathed in headscarf and dark sunglasses. But we had been close friends for seven years, since we were introduced by a mutual friend at a party.

Benazir was very different from her political image. She was full of fun and mischief. One night, after we'd had dinner, she asked me if I'd like to go shopping. "Get in my car, I'll drive," she said. I stepped in only to discover she couldn't drive at all well. "I only drive about twice a year," she said. She mounted the kerb and we made off.

After a swift swerve into another kerb, we screeched to a stop. "We're here", she said and started to get out-heading straight into CostCutters! She made straight for the tinned tomatoes. "A girl can never have too many tinned tomatoes," she said.

I once asked her if she had been to the Ivy restaurant. She hadn't, so I booked a table. She absolutely loved it.

She was a self confessed yo-yo dieter. She loved her Cadbury's Fruit and Nut chocolate and cooking her Baked Alaska using meringues, fruit and piles of ice cream. I've got her special recipe.

She was loyal and clearly in love with her husband. She refused to leave him to benefit her political career, just as she refused to listen to allegations of his infidelity.

I consider myself very lucky to have had some wonderful and very personal times with this brave and magnificent woman. Her death is nothing short of a catastrophe. "

CLEO, 45, found fame in the Kenny Everett Video Show and also appeared in this year's Celebrity Big Brother.