I Like Ponies And Dwesses!

G2’s transformation into the Daily Heat has reached it’s apotheosis with four pages dedicated to lukewarm talent-vortex Alexa Chung. After that unbelievably dire show with Ben Elton we’re amazed she’s still getting work but G2 dutifully tell us all about her “plethora of television shows” (er, she’s only presenting one at the moment as far as we can see) “rock star boyfriend and jewellery collection (ethical, and skeleton themed.)”

It’s the definition of a puff piece. What do we learn about the enigmatic and fascinating phenomenon that is the Chung? It’s shocking stuff:

• She likes dresses. Particularly those by Charles Anastase
• She had a pony called Pippi.
• She hangs around with Kelly Osbourne and some tart called Valentine Fillol-Cordier. They call themselves Team Evil. “You have to be obsessed with Nabokov to be in Team Evil” titters lady of letters Alexa.
• Jeeezus.

Well done Guardian! Keep this coming! It’s what broadsheets should be all about! Effin hell.

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She's Not Dead!

Pre-historic chart “topper” Lynsey De Paul still roams the Earth! Well done for her. She was a washed-up throw-back before Channel 4 launched so she’s done well to secure a spot on desperate ‘celebrity’ show – Celebrity Come Dine With Me!!

Last time Ulrika Jonsson moaned about being wheat intolerant while producers made up the numbers by counting journo David Quantick as a ‘celeb’. This time they haven’t bothered with the full five contestants – they’ve only got four and chopped the last 20 minutes off the show. Haha!

So who is joining geriatric mole-face Lyns? The illustrious line up is Harvey (rapping love rat) Tamara Beckwith and Jonathan Ansell (one of G4 who isn’t obese, apparently). No Suzanne Shaw?! Surely some mistake!!

The only interesting story we’ve ever heard about Lynsey De Paul is that when Sharon Osbourne was her manager she hated her so much she pissed in Lynsey’s suitcase. What a woman.

Oooh Get Him!

With that pout and hair cut we were sure Ian from the new series of the Apprentice was a big gay stripper. But no! The Sundays have had a good ferret around in the contestants personal lives and have concluded that the ginger lady is married to a bigamist and Ian is a love rat!

Oh yes! He was cheating on his wife when she was pregnant, texting his fancy woman while missis Kirsty was snoozin’ beside him then slung his hook and doesn’t pay the mortgage anymore. The cad.

We’re no Trishas but a quick glance at this picture suggests Kirsty was a bit of a demanding madam on a collision-course with disaster right from the word go. Behold! She made Ian wear a kilt to his wedding – because she was born in Scotland! Huh?! And they blew £18,000 on a wedding at Brocket Hall when they were mere tiddlers! He’s only 26 now for Pete’s sake! That’s modern matrimony in crisis for you.

What else is going to come out? Probably not much. Still, it’s fun to laugh at the assorted 15 toss pots on the show and the wrong person is always guaranteed to win. Hooray!

PS Look away now Apprentice fans!! It turns out Ian is currently working part time as a football commentator on Three Counties Radio whatever the eff that is. Looks like he didn't get the deal he wanted! Arf!

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Toxic! (Broadsheet Hypocrisy!)

When exactly did the Guardian turn into Now magazine? It’s G2 section has been showbiz crazy for ages but devoting a front page to Britney – hooked on nothing as she hasn’t done much for a fortnight – and then 'treating' us to this tedious 6 page article (seemingly adapted from a Women's Studies dissertation) takes the biscuit.

As it’s the Guardian we get all the usual guff that Britney is being unfairly ridiculed because she’s a – yawn – woman and – zzzzz – a mother. We also get various inaccuracies, picked up from lazy cuttings trawls or wiki research, that make this an irritating read for anyone who’s actually followed Britney’s shenanigans over the years (for professional reasons!). It’s just a way of legitimising people who think they’re above wallowing in showbiz gossip to do just that.

Not only that but it’s absurdly pretentious:

"Her hair now queenly dark, her belly perfectly rounded and airbrushed free of veins and stretchmarks, she is the very apogee of poised, yet still emphatically sexy, motherhood. Her face doll-like, she lies bared against what looks like a soft, furry-white, nursery blanket in the pose of a soft-porn, but pregnant, Venus."

I shudder to think how much the hack in question got for churning out that load of old bollocks…

The Glamorous Face of Nursery Rhymes!

With mere days to go until the Dancing on Ice final there’s no holding Suzanne Shaw back. She’s not just the face of mince (see below) she’s also signed up to promote a convoluted nursery rhyme popularity poll! And guess what? Apparently Suze is Celebrity Mum of the Year too! How did that pass us by? She was stupid enough to get knocked up by Darren Day so we feel that should exclude her from being eligible from any awards ever, bar awards for rank idiocy. Still…

Can you puzzle out what this PR is was trying to tell us?

"For every vote for a favourite childhood rhyme logged on www.rhymestars.co.uk, I CAN will receive £1 from Openreach, BT’s local network business. By nominating their favourite nursery rhyme, members of the public will unlock a £50,000 target donation to the charity by Openreach…”

You flaming what? Is this a over-complicated game show or are BT actually giving this charity some money or aren’t they? “Unlock?” Huh?

Poor Suzanne. We're sure even she doesn't know what she's got herself into. A pattern is emerging!

The Glamorous Face of Mince…

Well done to Suzanne Shaw - she’s got the taste of d-list celebritydom back on her lips thanks to Dancing On Ice and she’s hungry for deals!

But what sort? Chanel? Marc Jacobs? New Look? No, how about the British Mince Council! Yes, Suzanne has just signed up to be the face of Quality Standard Beef Mince. It doesn’t stop there, she’s landed a ‘coveted’ job presenting a call-in bingo show on some obscure cable channel with Joe Pasquale.

Whoo hoo Suzanne! Those two fractured ankles really paid off.

Now, when it comes to employment prospects I’m not one to judge but who the flip – if anyone – is “looking after” Suzanne? Mince?! Even Anna Ryder Richardson got WD40!

Don’t Cha Wanna Ride (On My Flake)

Poor Joss Stone. Things were going so well until her last album flopped and she decided to talk in a rubbish American accent at last years Brits. Where is she now? Fiddling with her Flake, that’s where.

It’s not as desperate as it may seem though, it’s actually the height of excitement as this press release attests:

“Soul singer Joss Stone’s interpretation of the famous jingle has been eagerly anticipated and tomorrow night the advert will finally be released on ITV1 during the premiere of 'Rock Rivals', following much speculation about how Joss will eat her Flake.”

I’m sure we’re all giddy with delight already. Who amongst us can wait until the Rock Rivals ad break?

Joss has a reputation for shagging songwriters to secure the blandest and most boring of their generic r’n’b musical emissions. So we’re guessing she’ll consume the Flake tomorrow by ramming it up her fanny and yodelling “tastes like chocolate never tasted before.”

Nul points here we come! (Again)

They’re all at it! Pete Brame, Andy Abrahams - every washed-up reality show finalist is making a come back. Well done for them but boo-hoo-hoo for the rest of us.

Really. Andy Abrahams? What were the “great” British public thinking when they voted for him to “do it” for the UK at Eurovision? Presumably polling was so low the hitherto neglected “bin man” demographic swung it for Andy. His ex-colleagues didn’t let him down!

It’s going to make for a boring old Eurovision. There needs to be an element of campery (Scooch) or potential disaster (Javine’s nipple popping out in front of an audience of billions) to make it any fun. Hopefully those wacky foreigners will live up to the standards set by mad tranny Verka Seduchka last year. Apparently Ireland have already selected a chicken puppet to represent them.

Remember him?

It’s Pete Brame! Of Fame Academy “fame”. Go on, cast your mind back. He was last seen falling down drunk outside a pub with Fearne Cotton four years ago…

Well he’s back! Oh yes. Pete will be performing at some of Britain’s premiere music venues to promote his new single The Alcoholic’s Love Song. Destinations include The Bedford pub in Balham and South End’s legendary Lambs Bar. Pete has this to say about himself:

“Pete Brame is an ever-evolving songwriter. He likes long walks, mixing Smirnoff Ices with lager, blowing dandelion heads off, kicking leaves, buying scratch cards and winning, holding hands and singing, but not at the same time.”

What a hoot! We’re guessing Pete isn’t an alcoholic himself. If so he shouldn’t be drinking lager and Smirnoff, he should be seeking professional help. We’re not going to slag him off though. He’s suffered enough and well done to him – he hasn’t given up on his dreams!

On the other hand though there’s something about this that sums up the ultimate futility of human endeavour…