The Glamorous Face of Pork

First Sharron Davis talks turkey and now non-entity-cum-part-time-daytime-TV-presenter Beverley Turner has become the face of ‘Love Pork’. Where to begin…

We have honestly never seen a single thing this woman has presented. It seems to have all been on Sky Three or about driving cars or riding bikes i.e. complete tedium. She can also boast she’s married to similarly of-no-interest-to-anyone Olympic medal-winning rower (zzzz) James Cracknell. What a life she lives. It’s excitement beyond our wildest imaginations.

Seriously, why do people like this continue to fling themselves, like stupid pigeons, against the glass wall of media disinterest? Surely she can’t need the money so why continue to heap humiliation on herself?

Check this out though. She loves a bit of pork (fnar). What a loon tunes. “Quick! Take my picture!! I can do modelling…etc etc”

I’m Not A Celebrity – Get Me In There

Behold! To our left is Sarah Matravers, a half-baked actress whose credits include flop-soaps Footballers Wives: Extra Time, Doctors and Mile High. She’s been dating EastEnder’s reject Marc Bannerman for the last couple of years and is making the most out of his recent I’m A Celebrity in-jungle flirtation with washed-up pop star Cerys Matthews.

Oh yes, plucky Sarah has flown to Australia and given interviews to every paper going about how she’s cut up Marc’s clothes and wants to ‘have it out’ with him. Selfless Sarah has even volunteered to do it on-camera for us! ‘It would make fantastic TV’ she says. That phrase should make any sane person’s blood run cold. It’s always the justification for showing people have colonic irrigations, thump each other on Jeremy Kyle or shout at Simon Cowell on the X Factor.

This crazy clothes-cutting kook has seized the opportunity to make a name for herself! Yes indeed. She wants to get off Doctors and get on This Morning, weeping and wailing to Phil and Fern, and end up on The Bill! We can see it all now. It wouldn’t surprise us if she’s put that Marc up to it. We’re so suspicious…

Nick Nick Blah Blah

Jim Davidson went on This Morning to tell Phil and Fern all about how much he hates Brian Dowling. This is perfectly reasonable behaviour as far as we’re concerned. That Brian. Who does he think he is? Obviously though we’re not condoning homophobic abuse in the workplace and/or kitchen. Abuse of orange Irish reality show winners is A-OK though.

Anyway, Jimbo opened his pie-hole and couldn’t stop it flapping! Here are the highlights.

Jim: “I wanted to rip that blokes head off to tell you the truth. I couldn’t stand him at all or the two girls.”

Fern: “Which bloke?”

Jim: “Brian, he really aggravated me and I thought the best thing for me to do is to leave.”

Phillip: “Are you a homophobic bigot?”

Jim: “There’s a bit of bigotry in all of us. Homophobic literally means a fear of gay people. Well I’m not, I’ve got lots of gay friends and I don’t really want to go around with a banner saying ‘Some of my best friends are gay’, I don’t mean to do that. I was Brianaphobic if you like. I didn’t like that guy and I didn’t like the reality TV show I found myself in. I was fed up with the way the show was produced. We were forced into doing things that we didn’t really want to do.”

Phillip: “But it’s been on before.”

Jim: “Not in Dubai, I’d never seen it before.”

Phillip: “So why would you sign up to something you’d never seen.”

Jim: “Because I got very drunk with Marco and I’d promised that I’d do it because he asked me.”

Fern: “What did you dislike about Brian?”

Jim: “I didn’t particularly dislike Brian, Brian is what he is. But Brian was two people. ‘Brian’ when he decided to get attention and ‘Brian’ when he was just one of the lads.”

Fern: “So it wasn’t his gayness. It was a personality thing?”

Jim: “If I didn’t like gay people I wouldn’t be in show business for heavens sake. I didn’t dislike Brian at all. That’s what made it worse. When he blew up it was a bit, ‘Come on, what’s going on? I took the bait thinking, ‘I’ve just about had enough of this. I’m out of me depth, I’m listening to these people whose claim to fame is fame itself and they’re just gobbing off and I just thought, ‘I can’t have it anymore.’”

Credit to Jim for coining the term ‘Brianphobic’ while Fern steals the show with her ‘so his gayness didn’t annoy you?’ question. What genius! His 'gayness'! Have another cake Fern, you've earned it.

Dr In The Wendy House

Poor old Dr Fox! He had it all! He presented the top 40 chart show on commercial radio, he laughed at people not being able to sing on Pop Idol, he posed for pictures wearing a white coat and fox’s tail. Where did it all go wrong? Well, he’s got plenty of time to mull that over today while he’s wondering how he ended up doing a photoshoot at a kids nursery in Chelsea to ‘encourage men to consider a career working with children’.

Yes indeed the Department for Children, Schools and Families have decided ‘Foxy’ is the man to front their ‘Working in Early Years: It’s Not Just Child’s Play’ campaign.

Ye gods. That’s tax payers money being thrown down the toilet! Thanks Gordon Brown! Dr flipping Fox? How did his name get pulled out of the hat? Sure, he doesn’t look like a paedo but is that the only qualification you need for stuff like this? Let’s all sign up as d-list celebrities readers, it’s money for old rope!

www.childcarecareers.gov.uk

She Got Deals!!

Of a sort. Shabnam from Big Brother 8, without whom this blog would be nameless, has gone and got herself a shonky record deal. We presume it’s over already because this video was laughed off YouTube weeks ago. Even we aren’t that arsed about Shabnam to blog about it before now. Poor Shabs.

This is something of a triumph for Shabnam though. Previously the peak of her ‘deals’ was telling the News of the World about having a lesbo snog with some girl in a Warehouse stock room. Now she can brag she performed a horrific version of Shout in cheap and nasty North London bar and recorded the whole affair for bemusement of hundreds! Well done Shabs, don’t give up the dream!

Fish Knorr Foul

Look at that. It’s a face to curdle milk! But the big brains at Knorr though have signed Marco Pierre White up to front their exciting range of stock cubes for the next year following the, er, success of his stint on instantly forgettable reality show Hell’s Kitchen. Remember that? Jim Davidson called Brian Dowling a poof and everyone got in a tizz.

Poor Marco. This is a blatant attempt to muscle in on his best-buddy-turned-arch-enemy Gordon Ramsay turf! Dry your eyes and take your head bandage off Marco, that ain’t never going to happen! Will you be taking off your clothes and giving us a flash of your pecs while slipping into your chef’s whites on a shit Channel 4 makeover show? You will not.

Did you know Knorr did their own bouillons? Whatever next. What's a bouillon?

Beyonce's Blower

Britain and America, two countries divided by a common language, or summat. For further evidence of the gulf between us look no further than the choices Samsung made for flogging their new phone in the US and UK. Those pesky yanks got Beyonce, boring but the epitome of cold-eyed professionalism. We get the musically much mightier Girls Aloud who, alas, still look a bit Primark by comparison. Our national pride swelled though when the Girls, who don’t have Beyonce’s dad negotiating mega-squillion deals for them, proved they didn’t really give a shit. While Beyonce posed with the phone, Samsung in the UK just slapped its logo on the Sexy! No, No, No promo shot. The US phones include a ditty multi-talented bum-grinder Beyonce composed at the age of 10. She simpers that this ‘gives fans that buy the phone a chance to know the real Beyonce’. Meanwhile the Girls have just slapped Sexy! No, No, No on their mobies. Quite right too. Who the flip knows what Cheryl Cole was singing at the age of 10? Come And Have A Go If You Think You’re Hard Enough probably.

Rula Lenska’s Triumphant Return

Three cheers for flame-haired foreigner Rula Lenska! She – might – finally be reaping the rewards of making a spectacle of herself on Celebrity Big Brother two years ago when she let George Galloway forage around in her lap, doing a cat impersonation. Oh yes! Rula’s time has come! Who could forget her in such unforgettable roles as, er, that Russian woman on two episodes of Minder, her cameo appearance on Space: 1999 (pictured) and her endless round of story-telling on Jackanory? Well her career didn’t peak there, she’s available for interview to go along with the launch of the newly revived Wispa chocolate bars! Whoo hoo! Pourquoi? Why, she was in the original run of adverts from the 1980s. Here she is with ex-husband Dennis Waterman. For once he didn’t sing the theme tune…

It's turkey time. Gobble gobble...

Let’s begin! We’ve just received a press release inviting us along to an event on Friday which will see 80s-throwback swimming champ Sharron Davies cooking a variety of turkey-based recipes for world renowned bird-butcher Bernard Matthews. They claim turkey makes an ideal meal all day round. Sharron will be tempting us to kick off the day with a turkey bagel or, let’s go mad, a turkey and spinach omelette!

Crikey. And she probably thought the accident she had on Gladiators, ending her brief stint on the teatime cheese-fest when she tumbled off a big foam pyramid and did her leg in, was the biggest fall of her career.

Check out the videos. She looks remarkably fresh faced if you ask us.

Sharron sells turkey

Will I Still Get Deals?

An explanation: This blog rejoices in the name Will I Still Get Deals? in honour of Shabnam from Big Brother 8. She was a crazy loon but at least she had the honesty to spit out, on approximately day 9, what everyone else on that freak show was thinking. She just wanted to be famous ‘even for two minutes’. Sure, it’s already a dated, somewhat obscure outburst but the sentiment is timeless! That look of approval-hungry desperation is shared by the A-list and Z-list alike!

So join us as we journey through the arse-end of showbiz!