I’m Not A Celebrity – Get Me In There

Behold! To our left is Sarah Matravers, a half-baked actress whose credits include flop-soaps Footballers Wives: Extra Time, Doctors and Mile High. She’s been dating EastEnder’s reject Marc Bannerman for the last couple of years and is making the most out of his recent I’m A Celebrity in-jungle flirtation with washed-up pop star Cerys Matthews.

Oh yes, plucky Sarah has flown to Australia and given interviews to every paper going about how she’s cut up Marc’s clothes and wants to ‘have it out’ with him. Selfless Sarah has even volunteered to do it on-camera for us! ‘It would make fantastic TV’ she says. That phrase should make any sane person’s blood run cold. It’s always the justification for showing people have colonic irrigations, thump each other on Jeremy Kyle or shout at Simon Cowell on the X Factor.

This crazy clothes-cutting kook has seized the opportunity to make a name for herself! Yes indeed. She wants to get off Doctors and get on This Morning, weeping and wailing to Phil and Fern, and end up on The Bill! We can see it all now. It wouldn’t surprise us if she’s put that Marc up to it. We’re so suspicious…