Pack up your crayons and piss off

It could happen to anyone. One minute you’re doing stencils for the kiddies on the telly, the next you’re pulling your girlfriend’s corpse out of the bath. That’s showbiz!

Poor old Mark Speight (pictured, crowned). Arrested on suspicion of killing his fiancée, it was today confirmed he is no longer a suspect for her murder, although he’s on bail for supplying class A drugs. The shocking aspect of this story as far as we’re concerned was that he had a lady friend at all! Kids presenter? Bleach blond? Gym goer? A homo surely? But no! Turns out he was just your common or garden upper middle class, coke snorting TV wannabe. Who could forget his attempt to crawl out of the CBeebies wasteland with a stint on Celebrity Wrestling? Er, everyone actually because he broke his thumb a week before the show went on air and was replaced by the black showjumper bloke.

So he didn’t give his bird (pictured, jester hatted) a fatal coke overdose or drown her in a crayola-induced frenzy of violence. Does that matter? Apparently not for the Beeb. His shows have been pulled and he’s not longer welcome chez TV Centre. The deal is off! There’s not more SMart for you Mark, let alone the prospect of just one week on Strictly Come Dancing.

It’s a modern day tragedy readers. Although the picture is a reminder to everyone to make sure you keep a nice up-to-date colour head shot with your next of kin just in case of an unexpected demise.