Don't Come Back!

Haha! Oh dear. The Guardian’s travel editor has sent his widdle boy Max (how these names date! Every meeja boy-child caesareaned-out in the last five years is called Jasper innit?) on a trip round India, at the Guardians expense. All Max needs to do is blog about it every day. What could go wrong? Erm, how about the fact he’s totally pissed all their readers off before he’s even got on the plane? Max’s middle class witterings and – more importantly – hundreds of comments about what a twat he is in the link below.

I knew a girl who went to India on one of these middle class idiot jollies. She came back complaining about the poverty and how adults made their kids beg at train stations! What was she expecting? An intensive yoga session? Twonks!

It’s nothing new though readers. There are loads of Maxes in the “industry”. Ever wondered how Polly Hudson has got a columnist job and a £90k a year salary for her weekly inane crap-fest at the Mirror? Her dad’s mates with the editor innit?

Effing hell. It’s not like this in retail…

Link to Max's odyssey

Another Waste of Everyones Time

Move over Oscar night, we’ve just been to the party of the year! Of course we haven’t at all. It was the usual dismal free lager ,wine and mini burgers affair. This time it was all in aid of keeping Mr T off Income Support. He’s been signed up to promote Snickers. We’re guessing he’s got more competitive rates than Hulk Hogan or The Rock – not having troubled our TV screens since 1988.

They didn’t even bother to fly him over. Instead they made him do a stupid rap about Snickers via a satellite link from LA. Then some PR flunkies – described to him as ‘the British public’ – asked him some stupid questions. After T reminded us George Peppard died in 1994 some dizzy bint asked “when is there going to be an A-Team reunion?”

The “brains” behind this operation didn’t stop at getting Mr T’s face on the Snickers wrappers though, oh no, they’ve set up a Facebook page where “lads” can post pictures when they “catch a mate eye-deep in a copy of Grazia.” Coz young people like Facebook don’t they? Maybe if Snickers is on Facebook they’ll like Snickers too? Genius!

Fucking hell. Bleed them dry Mr T!

KATE HUMBLE – Confidence Trickster!

Imagine my surprise when I got this anonymous tip-off about the social life of permy-headed badger-botherer Kate Humble. Some PR loon thought spamming me a load of nonsense about an F-lister’s boozing habits might qualify for our “spotted” section. Guess what? There is no “spotted” section at my place of employment! Yes this is the cold, calculated and murky world I work in readers. Alas! This publicity hungry genius reckoned without the obvious facts that no one gives a flying toss about Kate Humble let alone “draught wine”. Poor old Kate, does she know the deceit that’s perpetrated in her name? The full horror lies below…

"Hi there

I wanted to let you know I saw Kate Humble at Browns Bar & Brasserie in Covent Garden enjoying a glass of draught Sauvignon Blanc, commenting how she cannot belive draught wine tastes that good!
Thought it might be of interest..."

This is Getting Ridiculous…

Boo hoo hoo!!! The bloke out of A Knight’s Tale is dead!!! Let’s all burst into tears!

The saga continues and no celebrity story is complete without Lindsay Lohan sticking her oar in. How did she take the news? By sobbing her head off. It transpires that Heath stuck his willy in her in New York during Thanksgiving. Apparently he’s also been at it with Kate Hudson, Heather Graham and Helena Christensen – so his funeral will keep women’s magazine style pages packed until Easter.

Now, I’m no monster. Is shouting “Heath’s dead! Heaths’ dead!” anyway to break the news to an impressionable young pill popping piss head? No. It’s very rude! What appals me is that this story is going to drag on for months. Meanwhile anyone with a keyboard is tapping on about how ‘sad’ it all is. Accidents happen! Stay away from the pills and don’t kill yourself!

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Fucking hell!! Heath Ledger is dead!!!

It can only be hours until a heart broken Cleo Rocos pays tribute to Heath - esteemed thesp of Brokeback Mountain, A Knight's Tale, the new Batman film and...er, other things no one remembers.

Crikey. It's like Anna Nicole Smith. We all know where we were when she died I'm sure. Heath Ledger though. Tsk. Hollywood isn't for everyone. And he seemed like such a nice young man until he lost his hair and dumped his wife and baby.

That's Batman fucked then.

It's probably a drugs over dose.

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UPDATE: Actually what the fuck am I on about? "Seemed like a nice boy"? How the fuck am I to know?! I've been hoodwinked by all this celebrity shite! Take a look around the celebrity blogs, they're full of it! "He was only 28", "it's a tragedy" yak yak yak. The only reason this is news is because he pretended to shag Donnie Darko up his arse in a tent. Big deal! That shit happens for real every day! So blah blah.

It’s War!!

Haha! Look at that! Suzanne Shaw sliced in the head by an ice skate and crying like a baby. Maybe there is some justice in the world after all. Still, she wasn’t sufficiently injured enough to prevent her competing in Dancing On Ice, ITV’s chav take on Strictly Come Dancing, so her desperate bid for reality TV stardom continues (again).

The Daily Mail claimed today that Suzanne, Linda Lusardi and Aggy from How Clean Is Your House are locked in a deadly feud! In a hugely unbelievable and typically Mail-ish tale of women not getting along it’s claimed Suzanne’s accused Linda of only being on the show to provide ‘eye candy’ while Aggy’s telling Suzanne not to take the show too seriously as her comeback dreams are doomed. Hmm. Linda’s a bit on the old side for ‘eye candy’ isn’t she? We’d like to believe Aggy’s been slagging Suzanne though. She needs to give it up and get back to Kwik Save till or whatever she was doing before Popstars. Getting knocked up by Darren Day is one thing, Dancing on Ice is quite another…

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The Glamorous Face of WD-40!

Poor old Anna Ryder Richardson – the days of her turning respectable suburban bedrooms into tarts boudoirs are long since behind her. Oh yes, she claws her way onto I’m A Celebrity, eats a few bugs, puts herself through some unremarkable humiliations and this – this! – is all she gets out of it? WD bloody 40?!

Reader it’s true. Anna is no Linda Barker with her DFS ads and various bits of rubbish. Oh no, Anna has to make do with promoting WD-40’s Magic Pen “an amazing non-aerosol applicator of the WD-40 elixir”. They’re thrilled. Read on;

“Much like WD-40 Anna is an ultimate problem solver – she brings with her the experience to deal with the extraordinary, coupled with the know how of dealing with those day-to-day problems that we all encounter in the home.”

Anna is even available for interview to chat about this miracle product. Anna, was it worth it?