How Rude!

Full marks to writer-cum-Catherine-Tate-sidekick Derren Litten! He’s not one to take any shite off some uppity viewer writing into complain about his ITV chav comedy drama Benidorm.

Sue Fisher wrote to complain about the foul language and teenage pregnancy and this is the response she got!

"Good point well made. Let's dub all the remaining episodes with "flippin' 'ecks" and "blimeys". Alternatively we could go back to Benidorm and re-shoot the whole series. Failing this I would recommend Mrs Fisher go f*** herself with the fat end of a pineapple."

Alas funnyman Derren didn’t email this back to Sue, he sent it around to his ITV colleagues instead. One of whom sent it onto the Sunday Mirror! We agree this is comedy gold should be shared with all rounders but we doubt that was the loose-fingered emailer’s intention. TV’s even worse than journalism for bitchy competitiveness!

I love letters of complaint though. I love rude replies even more! Top work Dez!

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Bitter?

Winning Rear of the Year 2007 hasn’t soothed the savage beast inside Sian Lloyd! She’s still seething about being chucked by Lembit Opik for a Cheeky Girl. She’s even written a book all about it. It masquerades as being an autobiography but it’s really 200 pages about what a rotter that Lembit is. Just as well! It’d be one of the worst autobiographies ever printed otherwise! Before Lembit starts playing up the only “interesting” thing Sian ever experienced was buying some snazzy tights at Chelsea Girl.

Highlights include:

Sian moaning about driving drunken Lembit all across the British Isles to go to Liberal Democrat meetings.

Sian being philosophical when she gets booted off I’m A Celeb after 15 seconds.

Sian cataloguing each and every time Lembit gets pissed. “I must have been mad to stay with him” she muses. Her relentless criticism of his fashion sense and her none-stop weather forecasting would be enough to drive anyone to drink!

Whingeing when she’s chucked for a Cheeky Girl. Although she makes out they’d split up before.

Roll over Samuel Pepys! We’ve got a master memoirist in our midst! Effin hell, it must be a piece of piss to get a book deal these days. On a more interesting note the ghost writer has taken his / her eye off the ball. At one point she reminisces that “Cat Deeley was nice in the jungle”. Huh? Her I’m A Celeb co-star was Catalina! Tut.

More Gay News...

TV has-been Derren Brown is gay!! It said so in The Sun today! Again, I’m only posting this story for personal reasons. That reason is I knew a woman who was obsessed with Brown. She had all the DVDs, went to all the live shows. She loved him! Turns out she was barking up the wrong tree!! Hoho! She’s always been unlucky in love but lusting after a sinister, ginger gay TV magic-man takes things to a tragic new level! Shame!

It emerges this isn’t even a news story at all. Not because Brown’s TV career is about as active as Wincey Willis’s but because he told the Independent on Sunday back in September that he was living with a fella. Obviously no one on Earth reads the IOS. Or gives a swinging pocket watch about Derren Brown.

"You have to be open and up front – or you end up turning it into a dark secret in your mind" says Derren, sensibly. That's probably a trick. You'll forget your tube stop tomorrow morning and rob a bank instead...

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Up The Bum - No Harm Done?

This snappy phrase regarding the benefits of buggery versus vaginal penetration vis-à-vis unwanted pregnancies is a time-worn classic – but it doesn’t apply to all occasions as toothy CNN news reader Richard Quest is finding out. The pursuit of anal intercourse in Central Park in the middle of the night is in fact a risky business – especially when you’re busted by the cops!

Poor chinny Richard. He was apprehended with some pals with a rope tied round his willy and neck, a dildo hidden in his boot and a pocket full of crystal meth. Whoops! You wouldn’t catch Moira Stewart up to those tricks!

He’ll be let off the charges of ‘loitering and possession of a controlled substance’ if he completes a six month drug rehab programme.

I’m only sharing this morsel with y’all because it confirms a story I heard about him from an acquaintance. Apparently he’d met Richard Quest on a gay website. When they met up for a shag Questy asked this bloke to puke on him halfway through!! Unbelievable!!!!

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The Glamorous Face of Kitchens

Poor old Kim Wilde. Having success so young has meant she’s spent most of her adult life as a washed-up has-been. She’s had stints in the West End and then as a ‘celebrity’ gardener. Now she’s flogging Magnet’s kitchens to keep the wolf from the door.

The PR agency employed to assist Kim in this task have even helpfully suggested some lines of enquiry, should we wish to chat to Kim about her life, loves and wipe-clean surfaces. They’re wily professionals at no mistake! Check out some of these gems:ghghgg

"What are Kim's tips for a greener kitchen? What happenes in Kim's kitchen - who does the cooking? What music does Kim like to cook to? What are Kim's favourite recipes?"

Reader, it's time to compromise my anonymity! I'm a journalist and I'm subjected to pish like this every day of the week. Would Clark Kent or Lois Lane put themselves through this bullshit? They would not! How have I become a cog in a kitchen-selling machine?! What went wrong?!

Let's enjoy Kim in happier times:

Spam of the Day

Hooray! I get sent a right load of old cobblers to me all through the day. Oh yes! Some right old crap. I have randomly selected this picture of rapper Nelly pouting and mincing like a right Jessie to share with you. Apparently I was sent this to celebrate the exciting arrival of his duet with muppet-faced crystal-meth-guzzling pant-pisser Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas. Where is she then?! Jeeezus! What an elementary mistake!

Haha. That picture is a hoot. You don’t see a facial expression like that every day.

The Worst Celebrity Profile Piece Ever?

I know there are plenty of cringe-inducing celebrity profile pieces pumped out by a panoply of organs each and every day but this Vanity Fair interview with Madonna is going to take some beating.

All the pitfalls are there; it’s hugely pretentious and far too personal. The reader neither knows nor cares who hack Rich Cohen is but it’s all about him. Poor old Madge’s quotes are virtually relegated to bullet points at the back. If that weren’t bad enough check out this purple prose:

“Like Pocahontas, who marvelled at the brick buildings and endless streets and was shown off and feted, but still lonely, because the Empire has everything but what is most important – a kind of purity or righteous connection to the land…In other words, Madonna brings this boy [David the Malawian] into her house and gives him everything, but gets something in return: a living totem of life as it was lived before machines.”

How. Wrong.

It doesn’t stop there. I’m sure we all want to know who Rich went out with at school!

“When I was in High School I dated so many girls because they looked like Madonna that I had the feeling I had slipped off my chains and made my way out of Plato’s cave and was seeing the real thing at last.”

Yes, Vanity Fair is a bit high falutin’ but is there any rational explanation for that bunch of arse?!